Monday, January 27, 2014

Letting go

Without trying to be negative or melancholic, lately, I have had this feeling that it is all about letting go. And no, I haven't read any of the Dalai Lama books, nor did I do any Mindfulness course and I didn't visit any psychologist or shrink either.
The only thing I actually try to do, is listen to my body. And if there's one thing my body is telling me - apart from the daily messages about food, sleep and the more private needs one needs to give in to several times a day - it is that it doesn't want to let go.

I never expected this to be a physical feeling. But it's there. A very strong feeling that reminds me of when I was young, and my brother and I were fighting. I would sit with my back against my bedroom door, and my feet against my desk, hands flat on the floor to push, to prevent him from coming in. Now it's the other way around and I'm sitting in the same pose, trying to keep things from leaving the room.

So what the hell am I talking about? Almost a year ago, I quit my job and started the insecure life of being a freelancer. Part of that life is having to let go of things, the steady income obviously being the first. I also expected to have to let go of my life style of drinking vast amounts of coffee with friends, going out for dinner on a regular basis, and just not thinking of money that much. That definitely has changed. With less money coming in, one needs to be more conscious about how to spend it. Nothing wrong with that.

But over the last year, I also had to let go of other things, that in one way or the other had to do with the choices I've made. Letting go of people who were a big part of my life, letting go of ideas about my life that I wasn't even aware of: suddenly I saw myself at the age of 35 and realized: this wasn't what I pictured when I was 10. I have no idea what it was that I pictured, but it wasn't this, that is for sure!

One of the most important things I had to let go of is my own mindset. Honestly, I'm still working on that. To convince other people of my qualities, to do what I want to do, I first have to believe it myself. Which is harder than I thought. Once in a while, I find myself mentally blocking the door with my feet against the desk.
And the biggest obstacle: fear. Because, that is what it is all about. Fear of not succeeding, fear of not being able to do things, fear of loosing people, fear of the unknown life that lies ahead, fear of not drinking enough coffee with friends. Fear makes you tense, it makes you feel like your stuck with your feet pressed against the desk, and your back against the door.

So I have been carefully trying to let go of things, not to resist. I am trying to pull up my legs little by little, so they're not pressed against the desk anymore. If somthing need to leave the room, it can go. It might come back, or something else might walk in. You never know what's going to happen once the door is open...

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